Life since school

The intervening years were largely one f*cked-up relationship after another - sometimes I hurt them, and sometimes they hurt me. And jumping from job to job, trying to work out what I wanted out of life.

No, that's not right - I *knew* what I wanted, or rather thought I did and ignored anything that was a warning sign that I shouldn't be doing this job, dating this woman, etc. I thought I knew it all.

Marriage

I married my current, now ex, in 1997 and I have to admit for the first few years it was pretty sweet.. We had two daughters, and things were OK for a while.

I've never believed in smacking kids, although it didn't hurt me any, but apparently I used to try to intimidate them by yelling and standing over them. I figured yelling was better than smacking...

That's what my father did to us, that was the only role model I had, and I thought I was doing OK.  What a f&*king idiot I was

The eldest daughter won't speak to me because I wasn't the father she wanted, and to be honest, I don't blame her, and the youngest - well, let's just say she has her own issues after Anorexia and mental issues, plus a drug habit that I will not get involved with.

The Exit

I was too stupid and self-centered to see how I was becoming a narcissist until it all reached a head one night and my wife asked me to move out for a week so she could clear her head. End of that week she extended it to a second week and at the end of that week I get an email not to come home, she doesn't love me anymore, and doesn't want me there.

The following morning I tried to kill myself - not because of the stuffed-up marriage, not because of the girls, but because I felt completely useless as a human being. I drove from the motel I was living in to the nearest lookout, took a heap of my meds -  this is what I was taking on a daily basis, and two clasped hands wouldn't have held what I took - about 8 - 10 times this.

I was so worn out mentally, I could see nothing in my future either work-wise or family, and I decided the world wouldn't miss me.

After I took them I started driving to my local GP (I had an appointment with her) and I remember thinking "I could drive right into that bridge pylon - would only hurt for a few seconds", and then I heard this voice beside me say "Yeah, that'd work, but what if you take an innocent person with you?".

I wasn't going to be responsible for the death of an innocent person, and I turned to tell him that - nobody was there !!

I parked at the Hospital, was seen by the nurse that was checking for COVID symptoms, and collapsed on the floor. Next thing I was in ER, and throwing my guts up - 5 of those hospital sick bags as a minimum.

I spent 3 days there until they got me a bed at St John of God, one of the best psychiatric hospitals in the country, and there I stayed for about 8 weeks, getting weaned off one lot of meds and onto another. It turns out that every time my wife said the meds weren't working and I went to the GP, she just upped the dosage, which was pushing me further and further down the rabbit hole.

When I was put on the newer ones things started to clear up rapidly until, as of now, I'm not on any of them and feel better than I have in 30 years. I can finally be ME !!

I had done a few rides over the years for the Black Dog Institute, awareness-raising, etc., and have one of their black Winston dogs that goes everywhere with me and has a collar with Lifeline's number on it. No exaggeration, he saved my life.

I rode many 2 wheel bikes over the years, most recently this beast of a machine, a 1996 GL1500 Goldwing

Due to a careless P Plate driver reversing on a blind corner, I ran up the back of him with my daughter on the back.  

I threw her off before we hit, and not very fast either, but such was my concern for her that I forgot to pull my left leg up as the bike went over, resulting in this fancy bit of jewelry.. 

And yes, it was as painful as it looks

I didn't ride for almost a year after this and when I collected the bike from the workshop the normal 25 minute ride home took me over 90 minutes. The bike sat in the garage for almost 5 years until I sold it

I was riding a Can-Am Spyder 2017 F3Limited which is just about the best fun you can have with your pants on - and bloody annoying, it's all computerised, traction control, etc and you can't turn that crap off !!

Still, I thought I wouldn't ride anything else - how wrong I was...

This will HOPEFULLY be the replacement for it sometime next year...

I thought "Why not ?  I don't have to answer to anyone else, with this I can take at least two if not 3 passengers, and I've always wanted something like this."  Might get the trailer as well for weekend trips, camping, etc.

I already have people from Church putting their names down for a ride !!