Background - What passed as my sucky childhood
I am the eldest of 4 kids, born in an era where we didn't have cellphones, didn't talk back to our parents, and didn't have a lot of the things kids these days consider their "rights".
The worst thing we were worried about if we did something wrong and the PoPo caught us wasn't what the PoPo would do, it was the size 9 boot that would land on my ass when I got dragged home to my father.
Bullying
I was bullied incessantly at school, partially because I was on the chubby side, partly because I wouldn't get involved in the crap that other kids did and because I actually studied and got decent grades.
When I got to High School (years 7 to 12 for you non-Aussies) was when the bullying got really bad - kids waiting for me outside school, trying to attack my sister, etc. Oh, I would defend myself, but I was always afraid to "let loose".
I wasn't into sports all that much, more the sciences and electronics, which made me a target as one of the Geeks, plus I was involved in the school Bible Study group and that didn't help.
I started doing Karate to both lose weight (I was about 165kg at this stage) and to improve my fitness. It worked, but it also made the target on my back bigger
What really changed things is when the school bully was smacking my best mate in the face while he was up against the toilet block, with that spray-on concrete on the walls. I thought my mate was bleeding from the ear, so I knocked the bully on his ass and tried to get my mate to the school nurse (bleeding from the ear is a sign of possible brain damage).
Of course, the bully jumped on me and I threw him off, then proceeded to see red and pound his head into the dirt. Not my proudest hour, but I couldn't stop. Took 4 of his mates to pull me off, and by then the teachers had arrived.
Meeting with the principal and parents the next day and I realised how much damage I'd done - broken jaw, missing 4 front teeth, two black eyes, and sundry bruises. I really believe I would have killed the guy if I hadn't been restrained.
When the bully's father found out what triggered it, he turned to his son and asked if that was true - when the son said yes his father backhanded him across the face and told him to get to the car. He then apologised to me, my father, and the principal - don't know what happened to him, but we never saw him at school again.
The bullying continued, but they were far more circumspect about when they did it and what they did.
The only really bad incident after that was in Industrial Arts, where someone stabbed me in the ass with a pair of compasses, thinking it would be funny. I jumped up and lashed out with my left elbow reflexively, catching the moron across the nose and sending him across 3 rows of desks. Yes, because the teacher didn't see it, I got dragged to the Office again.
I started coaching my brother's baseball team, and the weight started to drop off... I wish I still had the photos, but there is one of me with long hair and a body shirt on (something I wouldn't have dreamed of wearing years before), and suddenly I had all the female attention a man could ever want, but none of it was what I could classify as "genuine".
My father asked me to get him a coffee one day when I was about 15, and I responded that I would get it during an ad break as I was watching something. He said "You'll get it NOW", to which I apparently replied that he was a big boy, he knew where the kitchen was. My sister said she had never seen him move so fast, out of his recliner like a cruise missile, and *whack*, right in the jaw.
I told him if he ever laid a hand on one of the kids or me again, I'd kill him with my bare hands. He must have believed me because I left to go to the Dr about my broken jaw and he never laid a hand on me after that,
Work Placement
In the following months (year 10) we had "work experience" - where you find an unpaid job somewhere for 2 weeks to get some experience working in the real world. I managed to get a job in a Tandy Electronics store, and then was offered a paid position there on the weekends - this was my dream come true.
About 6 weeks into the holiday break the Manager was caught with his fingers in the til (stealing) and was let go. The Regional manager came to me and said "Think you could run the store ?" - Hell yes I could run it !! So I was the new Manager full time !!
I went home that night and told my parents and my father just grunted and said "You'll have to quit in a few weeks anyway, you're going back to do years 11 and 12". And therein started the Argument from Hell, which ended up with him saying "You have 2 choices - back to school or there's the front door - your choice"
Hindsight, being such a wonderful thing, I quit and went back to school - not because I wanted to (and Tandy was understanding), but because I sat on my ass for the next 2 years and did Jacques Schidt... I should have moved out.
Career Path
I wanted to be a pilot, but because of the logistics of getting to the nearest flight school, and my father refusing to drive me part way, even though I was paying for it all myself, I had to abandon that dream
I went to University as a Mature Student and came out with a B.A. (Ll. B), and a B.Sc (Pol) - not because I wanted to use them for anything, but because I wanted something to rub my father's nose in. Yeah, childish stupid reason, but that was it. I practiced Law (Family Law) for a few years but got out before I slashed my wrists. I went through a few jobs, mainly contracting, and then hit on one with a Bank, where I have been for 12 years but because of everything else and talking to the wrong people who I thought would understand, that ended on November 9th.
What am I doing now?
Currently, I am on Workers' Comp, essentially getting paid to sit on my ass and do nothing, and could be on it for quite some time. While some would say that isn't a bad outcome. I am bored shitless. The pressure of the insane workload at the Bank, combined with bugger-all support from Management did more damage than I realised, both mentally and emotionally, and contributed in a major way to my marriage breakup and failed suicide attempt. I want to get back into some sort of work before I go completely stir-crazy, but my solicitor has advised me not to even try.
Moved into a studio apartment which, while it's big enough for me, I want to move to somewhere closer to church and where I don't have to deal with an asshole agent.
A few months ago I ran into a Mum and her daughter at the local music store - the daughter was looking at Bass guitars and I was looking to buy a guitar myself. I used to play bass in the church band where my soon-to-be ex-wife and I met, so we started chatting and I gave her a few pointers. She told me about their church and I rocked up there the next week, not because of her (attractive but WAY too young for me), but because I had a strange feeling I should be there. That was about 6 weeks ago, and it's the highlight of my week.
Currently, I'm trying to get the old muscle memory activated again with the guitar, and am starting to teach myself Python and a few other programming languages, and generally just trying to help people wherever I can (Black Dog Institute volunteer work, etc).
Oh, I have my moments of self-loathing and still have *those* thoughts, but when I do I usually get on the bike and go for a good long ride to clear my head - it really helps. We have a place in Sydney called The Gap, a well-known suicide spot in Watson's Bay and near the area I grew up in. Whenever I post on Facebook that I'm going for a ride there I have to add the footer "NO, I'm not going to jump" - it's when I stop talking or joking about it that you have to worry (I know suicide is no joking matter, but it's how I cope - deal with it)
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